Newark Fireman Runs into City Hall To Help Pass Stalled Bill.

“Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.”

In what is certain to be an astonishing turn of events, Ralph “Buddy” Simmons, a firefighter of the WEST WARD ENG. 11 / LADDER 11 –located at 345 SOUTH 9TH AVENUE ran into City Hall to help pass a stalled bill.

“I was walking past City Hall on Broad Street, when I heard cries for help coming from the second floor of the building. I ran into the building, without thinking or concern for my own safety,” said Simmons, a 12 year veteran of the Newark Fire Department.

At the time, the Newark Municipal Council members were arguing loudly over a “new ordinance that would impact something or other on the citizens of Newark… their quality of life… from all the yelling and screaming I heard, I know I didn’t have much time to help,” added Simmons.

Councilman Ras J. Baraka was yelling one thing, while Augusto Amador and Donald M. Payne, Jr. were shouting another, according to reports. Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.

Simmons immediately took control, calming down the frenetic members of Council. He carried both council members Ron Rice Jr. and Mildred C. Crump, over his shoulders out onto Broad Street to safety.

City officials say he was fortunate.

“The outcome was positive but it was a very dangerous decision to make and likely not to be successful if you are untrained and unequipped,” noted city of Newark spokesperson, Julia Garza-Martinez. Simmons was treated for ‘verbosity inhalation’ at the University of Medicine and Dentistry.

Firefighter Simmons is being hailed as a hero for running into the City Hall building to save this Bill. But city officials say that such actions often end badly.

“Laws are like sausages — it is best not to see them being made,” laughed Garza-Martinez.

Acting Governor Kim Guadagno “Giddy” and “Gleeful”.

The Lt. Governor was asked, “to tone down her enthusiasm” just a tad, while acting as governor, in Christie’s absence.

Acting Governor Kim Guadagno could hardly contain herself and was described as acting like a “pre-teen school girl meeting Zach Efron or Justin Beiber for the first time,” as she made several appointments to fill empty seats on state boards.

The state’s first Lt. Governor filled seats on the Governor’s Council on the Prevention of Developmental Disabilities, Middlesex County College Board of Trustees and the State Board of Mortuary Science.

“What do I do now?” asked Guadagno, as she giggled her way through signing off on the appointments —which had already been decided upon by Christie —-before he and his family left for Israel for five days.

Ms. Guadagno was somewhat unfamiliar with the authority of the Office of the Governor, having “never been given this much responsibly before,” noted one undisclosed State Street source.

A few days earlier, on Tuesday, Guadagno pressed the “power button” on what is expected to become one of the 10 most powerful academic supercomputers in the world at Rutgers University. The ceremony marked the opening of the Rutgers Discovery Informatics Institute (RDII), which will house the IBM supercomputer.

“This is just so super awesome—turning on a ‘super-duper’ computer!!,” giggled Guadagno. She even had her press staff ‘update her Facebook page’ to reflect her daily activities as Acting Guv: “I’m the Guv this week! Neat-o keen!”.

The Lt. Governor was asked, “to tone down her enthusiasm” just a tad, while acting as governor, in Christies absence.

“I’m sorry—I just don’t get to do this ‘governor-thing’ too much. This is just so cool,” shrieked Guadagno. To her credit, she did take a more somber tone when appointing the members of the State Board of Mortuary Science.

“I used my ‘serious look’ during that appointment,” noted the Acting Governor, “since they work with ‘death’ and ‘dying’ and stuff.”

April 4th, 2012: Christie Has Private Meeting with God To Compare Notes, Leadership Styles

In Exodus 3:14, “And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM.”

Early last year, when questioned by reporters on his insulting and confrontational style, Chris Christie said, “But the fact of the matter is, This Is Who I Am!™, and this is who the people elected.”

Similar leadership style? Same personal points of view?

Christie is traveling in Israel, and the opportunity in a private meeting with Our Lord Thy God to “compare notes, leadership style, political points of view, and other various things that came up at the Wailing Wall.

Christie’s Israel visit could raise speculation that he is positioning himself for a future run, and his trip will be watched by Democrats and Republicans alike.

Israel is a popular stop for American politicians on the rise seeking to bolster their international credibility while also appealing to Jewish constituents.

Speaking to reporters after visiting the Western Wall, the holiest site where Jews can pray, located in the disputed Old City of Jerusalem, Christie played down any political significance of his trip, calling it a chance for him and his family to see the country.

“I came here for one reason and one reason only: to have a private meeting with The Big Guy Himself, and share leadership notes,” shared Christie. The governor said the two had a “really good and fruitful discussion” about regional issues, including Iran’s disputed nuclear program and expanding trade between Heaven and New Jersey. “He’s been around for like forever, and really knows His Stuff.”

Christie is traveling with his family and a delegation of 13 business and religious leaders. While in Israel, he plans to tour a pharmaceutical facility with an interest in expanding to the U.S., participate in a business round-table and visit a school.

“Oh, also Mary Pat and I will go to a great pizza place in Jerusalem on Jaffa Street, that Netanyahu told me has pizza as good as anything at the Jersey Shore.”

Never Fear, Gay Citizens: Ombuds-Man Will Protect Civil Unions In New Jers

Faster than EZ Pass! More powerful than New Jersey Transit! Able to leap the Prudential Center in a single bound!

“Look up in the sky! It's a Rainbow! It’s a Pink Triangle!” “No, it's Ombuds-Man!”

It’s Ombuds-Man! He is a mild-mannered reporter for PolitickerNJ, but when he hears the distressed call of a gay or lesbian couple in need, he dons his rainbow cape and purple mask and swishes off whereever there is civil union trouble.

Secretly, he gets his power from the glowing gold dome at the Statehouse in Trenton, and can never be further away from it than the distance to Bergen County in the north or Cape May in the south.

"I have been just as adamant that same-sex couples in a civil union deserve the very same rights and benefits enjoyed by married couples — as well as the strict enforcement of those rights and benefits," Gov. Christie said. “Ombuds-Man should be able to ensure the state’s civil union law is being followed."

“That’s good, because the real problem is that Gay couples don't know how to be ‘married’ since they are civil-unioned…civil-unionized…civil-unionizationalized. Anyway, ‘Ombuds-Man’ is here to help Gay couples,” noted an unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.

Take ‘Richard’ and ‘Carl’ (not their real names): Recently Ombuds-Man heard their cry for help. When he arrived in their suburban home, they were arguing like an ‘old-married couple’, but were doing it all wrong---because they’ve never been married.

Richard : “Carl always leaves his underwear on the floor.” Carl: “Richard never puts the cap back on the toothpaste.”

Ombuds-Man solved the problem: “Carl, from now on, you go ‘commando’. Richard, you stop brushing your teeth altogether. Problem solved!"

Richard & Carl: “Thank you, Ombuds-Man! You're the greatest! With Ombuds-Man, we'll never need to get married. Who needs to get married when we have --- Ombuds-Man!!!

“No, problem, Gay citizens.’ If your union is un-civil, just call Ombuds-Man, We’ll stop that drivel! Up, up and away! I hear the call of a lesbian couple in Hoboken!”

“Ombuds-Man’s only weakness is ‘pure logic’. Thank goodness you'll not find too much of that in Trenton,” explained the unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.

Winner Of The Westminster Dog Show Leads In New GOP Poll

In the latest New Jersey presidential poll conducted by Monmouth University pollster, Patrick Murray, 826 likely voters were were asked who they currently support for the GOP nomination for president.

In the poll, 32% indicated they support Westminster Dog Show 2012 “Best In Show” winner Malachy, a Pekingese for the GOP nomination, with Gov. Mitt Romney and former Sen. Rick Santorum with 29% and 26% respectively.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was fourth in the poll at 18%, with Congressman Ron Paul holding steady at 2%. The poll was conducted over the evening of February 14, 2012 and has a sampling error of plus or minus 3 %. With the sampling error, Congressman Ron Paul could have as many as 5% of the vote or -1%.

Les Malkovich of Little Egg Harbor indicated that he would like to see, “a presidential candidate for the GOP who has no problem cleaning his own private parts,” and now he’s not been particularly impressed with Romney, Santorum or Gingrich and their lack of ability in that area.

The Pekingese, or “Peke” (also commonly referred to as “Lion Dog”, or “Pelchie Dog” due to its resemblance to Chinese Guardian lions) is an ancient breed of toy dog, originating in China. The breed was favored by the Chinese Imperial court, and its name refers to the city of Beijing where the Forbidden City resides.

New Jersey State Tea Party Chair Donald Valdis Swartz issued an immediate demand to see “the birth certificate or valid registration papers and dog license,” of the Pekinese so that, “the United States doesn’t have to suffer through another foreign-born elected president.”

Redistricting Commission Unveils Twelve New Congressional Districts that All Look Like New Jersey

“…this type of redistricting is much easier in “squarer states like Kansas.”

The game of musical chairs that is congressional redistricting progressed late into tonight, with the apparent focus remaining on the elimination of one of three districts in the northeastern part of the state.

But as the third day of meetings continued, there was finally a vote on a new map to reduce the number of New Jersey’s congressional districts from 13 to 12 as mandated by the 2010 Census.

“The new map has twelve districts that all have the shape of New Jersey,” noted former state Attorney General John Farmer, the independent appointee who would have had to cast a tiebreaking vote if necessary.

“And while the Garden State population outside of those Jersey-shaped areas will have no representation in Congress, the map does look much nicer this way.” Farmer also pointed out that “there was none of the usual gerrymandering” that accompanied re-districting in the past.

The chairman of the Republican team, Mike DuHaime, a longtime political strategist, confirmed that this was the “best compromise we could come to…”.

“I think there’s been good progress on both sides. It’s been an open dialogue both between the two sides and with (Farmer),” declared DuHaime. Former Assembly Speaker Joseph Roberts, who is leading the Democrats, agreed. “It’s been intense but somewhat collegial,” mentioned Roberts.

According to the National Commission on Congressional Management, this type of redistricting is much easier in “squarer states like Kansas, Colorado or Wyoming, but tougher in New Jersey.”

Cherry Hill Man Believed He Had To Turn The Clocks Back One Hour Each Weekend

“He was always an hour early to every painting job we hired him for.”

Cory Brodsky, a self-employed house painter, since early June of 2008 firmly believed that “the law required us to turn back the clocks one hour each weekend at 2 AM”.

“I have been doing this ever since the third weekend in June 2008, when I moved out from my parents into my own apartment in Cherry Hill. I thought it was the grown-up thing to do to follow the law, and now I find that I’ve been doing the wrong thing,” noted Mr. Brodsky, with a confused look on his face.

Daylight saving time in several countries is the practice of temporarily advancing clocks during the summertime so that afternoons have more daylight and mornings have less.

Mr. Brodsky, up until this past weekend, was of the mistaken belief that the actual date was October 10, 2010, obviously the effect of turning back the clock one hour each weekend for almost 3 years.

“I have been writing the wrong date on checks. Since I work for myself I didn’t really have to be anywhere more or less on time,” added Brodsky.

However, Brodsky will have trouble adjusting to losing more than a year of his life. “It’s been really weird––over the past year, for me the World Series was in February, Christmas really was in June. The only holidays that seemed to be at the right time were the Jewish holidays of Shavuos and Lag B’Omer––which tend to move around anyway.”

On the bright side, there were some advantages to his mistake. “He was always an hour early to every painting job we hired him for,” said Mrs. Mona Jane Dudek, a 73-year-old resident of Evesham Township, “and he always finished way ahead of schedule.”

New Jersey To Issue Its Own Currency? Springsteen And Sinatra To Appear On New Paper Money.

From www.whatexitnj.com:

“My personal favorite for the One Hundred Dollar bill is Joe Piscopo.”

“Everyone agrees that Jerry Lewis (of Weehawken) or Lou Costello (of Paterson) should be on the One Dollar bill,” said Assemblyman Michael Patrick Carroll, sponsor of bill A-1776. “And that either Frank Sinatra (of Hoboken) or Bruce Springsteen (of Long Branch) should be on the One Thousand Dollar bill.”

Carroll is the main sponsor for legislation, A-1776, that would “…immediately initiate, create, fashion and grant authority to the state of New Jersey to print monetary paper currency to be valid for all debts public and private for the state there in.” The bill is cosponsored in the State Assembly by fellow legislators Allison Littell McHose (NJ-24), Erik Peterson (NJ-23), and John DiMaio (NJ-23). The same legislation is sponsored in the Senate by Senator Michael Doherty as S-117.

“The Obama administration has so devalued American currency, by its failed economic and fiscal policies, that this is the best a state can do,” noted Carroll.

Under Article I Section 8 of the Federal Constitution, Congress has the authority to:

“To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures; To provide for the Punishment of counterfeiting the Securities and current Coin of the United States.”

One would think that this alone would deter Assemblyman Carroll, ––– however he claims that “Article I Section 8 merely refers to ‘coin money’, and not paper currency.”

“In an originalist interpretation of the Constitution, as the Founding Fathers would have us interpret the document, there is no mention of ‘paper money’ – just ‘coin money’ ”, noted Carroll.

“Obviously, the intent of the Framers was to leave this to the Several States, under the 10^th amendment––which says ‘The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.’ The Founding Fathers clearly had it in mind for states to issue their own paper currency. It is only liberal activist courts that have subverted this Original Intent.”

Additionally, under A-1776, “An exploratory New Jersey Currency Commission shall be set up in the following manner: Two members shall be appointed from the general public by the governor; Two members shall be appointed by each house of the legislature; and the Seventh member shall be the Chief Justice of the New Jersey Supreme Court, unless he is a ‘liberal’, whereby the governor shall have the power to appoint his own additional nominee subject to the advice and consent of himself.”

The New Jersey Currency Commission shall have the power to decide which persons, living or dead, will appear the on the various denominations of the paper money.

“There are those liberals who have their favorites; Princeton is lobbying for Woodrow Wilson or Paul Robeson. My personal favorite for the One Hundred Dollar bill is Joe Piscopo. That ‘I’m from Jersey’ bit from 1980s SNL still cracks me up,” finished Carroll.

New Jersey Plan to Make Money With Formula One Grand Prix: “Charge Tolls”.

“E-Z Pass is a remarkable toll collection technology that makes race car driving more convenient.”

Governor Chris Christie announced this week that in 2013, there will be a Formula 1 Grand Prix race in New Jersey. The plan includes the cooperation of the mayors of Weehawken and West New York, two cities geographically involved in the circuit’s layout.

However Mayors Richard F. Turner of Weehawken and Felix Roque of West New York, both had the same concern, “How does New Jersey make money on this?”

“Tolls. And the sale of E-Z Pass to Formula One Grand Prix top drivers, of course. We have already received E-Z Pass applications from Ferrari’s Felipe Massa, and Mercedes GP star Michael Schumacher, as well as several other top drivers,” added Christie.

“E-Z Pass is a remarkable toll collection technology that makes race car driving more convenient, and will help Formula One drivers save money through discount plans offered by many toll facilities. It will reduce traffic congestion for everyone in the race,” noted New Jersey E-Z Pass Director Jorge Ramon Caceres.

Both Massa and Schumacher expressed concern that, “Having to stop every eight miles or so, and find change to pay a toll,” might impede their ability to be competitive.

“New Jersey remains a leader in hosting all types of national and international sporting events,” Governor Christie said, adding the Grand Prix of America to a list that includes last winter’s NCAA tournament and the Super Bowl in 2014. “While some pure race drivers will opt out of E-Z Pass , it is there for those drivers who wish to take advantage of the time savings it provides.”

World champion Sebastian Vettel, was equally impressed with the challenge of racing in New Jersey.

“It’s interesting, a good challenge,” said Vettel. “It’s very dusty to start with, but the track seems like it will be a new type of challenge…especially the toll lanes that give a lot of options to all the drivers. ‘Exact Change Only’. ‘E-Z Pass lanes Only’. ‘Cash Only’. Toll-operators in case drivers need directions. We’ll see a good race in 2013.”

Placing a race in New Jersey, on a 10-year contract, “will be one of the best decisions you ever made.” Gov. Christie also said he is interested in bringing NASCAR to the track

Congressman Leonard Lance Replaced With Evil Twin Right Wing Cousin “Cubby Lance”...

June 5th, 2011:

Congressman Leonard Lance Replaced With Evil

Twin Right Wing Cousin “Cubby Lance”

Washington, DC: It has been determined through carefully DNA screening, that moderate Republican Leonard Lance, has been replaced by his Right Wing/Tea Party evil twin cousin, “Cubby Lance”. This is from a source deep inside the Lance Congressional office, who needs to remain anonymous, and is known only by the name ‘State Street’.

“Meet Leonard, who's been in NJ everywhere,
From Trenton town to Hamilton Square.
But Cubby’s only sees the sights.
A guy can see from Extreme Right --
What a crazy pair!”, offered ‘State Street’.

The Star-Ledger first broke the story at the end of May, (Tom Moran’s “The Curious Transformation of N.J. Congressman Leonard Lance”), but did not reveal the reason why Lance seemed to ‘transform’.

Where former State Senator Lance was pro-choice, Congressman “Cubby” Lance has voted to de-fund Planned Parenthood; where former State Senator Lance was a solid supporter of senior citizens and Medicare, Congressman “Cubby” Lance has voted with Paul Ryan to destroy Medicare.

“But they're cousins,
Identical cousins all the way.
One pair of matching bookends,
Different as night and day,” continued ‘State Street’.

“Where Leonard always votes for pro-choice,
Supports Medicare, and has a moderate voice;
But Cubby votes with his Right-wing Chair
loves the Tea Party, against health care;
What a crazy pair!” shared ‘State Street’.

“You can lose your mind,
When cousins are two of a kind.”

There was no immediate comment from the Republican National Committee, or from New Jersey Republican Chairman Samual S. Raia as to when the real Leonard Lance would return to Congress.

March 1st, 2011: Rep. Jon Runyun beats "Toaster Oven" in Jeopardy! Challenge

Republican New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan was the sole competitor to beat the Sanyo SK-7W Toaster Oven (nicknamed "Toasty") in a mock Capitol Hill exhibition of "Jeopardy!" Monday night, beating out House Speaker John Boehner, Rep. Michelle Bachman (R.-MN), and Eric Cantor (R.-VA.), and Kevin McCarthy (CA-22). Cantor and Bachman scored no points at all: Cantor could not figure out how to use the buzzer system and Bachman looked into the wrong camera throughout the Jeopardy! Challenge. Sanyo hosted the Washington event -- a non-televised, informal game of Jeopardy -- to demonstrate the impact of kitchen technology on society, according to the Hill. "Toasty", Sanyo's interactive toaster-oven, is equipped with some of the most sophisticated heating coils in the world. "I am not surprised Toasty lost; it is not an American made product. A Black and Decker toaster oven would have been tougher," Runyan said, according to the Hill. Toasty was unable to answer a question about the Dred Scott Supreme Court decision, but Runyan knew the answer from his debate with former Congressman John Adler. "Luckily, I still had that answer written on my hand," shared Rep. Runyan. In other news, Gov. Christie told the Star-Ledger that he was upset that Charlie Sheen was "stealing my signature ranting and yelling bit. That is my bit, not his."

February 22, 2011: Gov. Christie to hold “Turn Back The Clock!” Counter-Rally with Republican electeds

As Charles Wowkanech, New Jersey State AFL-CIO President, joins a furious clan of Wisconsin workers who will travel to Trenton this Friday who say the time is now to rally for collective bargaining rights, Gov. Christie will hold a counter rally on the Statehouse steps with Wisconsin Republican Governor Scott Walker. Christie and Walker will be joined by dozens of other Republican elected officials from around the nation at their "Turn Back The Clock!" Rally. "The time is not 'Now'; the time is 'Then'. It is time to turn back the clocks," asserted Walker in a media release. Wisconsin Gov. Walker, who wishes to turn back the clock on public union labor's right to collective bargaining, will be joined onstage by New Jersey Congressman Chris Smith, who wishes to redefine the legal definition of rape, turning back the clock on the right to womens' productive freedom; Missouri State Sen. Jane Cunningham, who's introduced a bill to turn back the clock on child labor laws; and newly elected Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul, who earlier last year expressed his wish to turn back the clock on civil rights by declaring that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was "unconstitutional". "This is who I am!™," began Gov. Christie with his now famous trademark phrIase. "Last year in New Jersey, and last November, the American people elected Republicans to turn back the clocks. To turn back the clocks on collective bargaining for unions. On environmental protection. On abortion rights. On child labor laws." Public workers say 'the time is now'. Well, we say the time is 'then'. Now is the time to turn back the clock to 'then'. At this rally, we will stand shoulder to shoulder in solidarity with our fellow Republican electeds across the nation and speak out to support their right to turn back the clocks.

Christie issues Executive Order “terminating New York Mets basebal

News shocker: February 17, 2011

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie issues Executive Order “terminating New York Mets baseball season as of February 18 due to the ongoing baseball season crisis”.

Against the objections of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, New Jersey Gov. Christie Christie issued Executive Order No. 41 officially terminating the New York Mets baseball season as of February 18th. However, the New Jersey governor may have overreached his authority this time.

“The governor of New Jersey has no authority over the New York Mets, as they are geographically domiciled in Queens, with their principal place of business being in New York City. If anyone has the authority to put the team out of their misery before the start of the baseball season that would be me is the mayor of New York,” said Mayor Bloomberg in a statement to the press. The New York mayor was still considering all options at this time to deal with the impending Mets baseball season crisis. Governor Christie defended his actions, “ I am a lifelong New York Mets fan, and it pains me to have to take this action. But the families of New Jersey come first, and must be protected from the ongoing baseball crisis.”

Teams scheduled to play the Mets will receive “a half a win for each game that was to be played”, said Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig.

The exact wording of Executive Order No. 41, in part:

WHEREAS, the last time the New York Mets were in the World Series was 2000; and

WHEREAS, the New York Mets finished the 2010 season with a winning percentage of just .488, in fourth place; and

WHEREAS, the New York Mets finished the 2009 season with a 70-92 record, finishing in 4^th place in NL East; and

WHEREAS, the New York Mets finished the 2008 season with a 89-73 record, finishing in 2nd place in NL East; and

WHEREAS, the USA Today's sports section last week touted the Phillies' pitching staff as “one of the all-time bests…”NOW, THEREFORE, I, CHRIS CHRISTIE, Governor of the State of New Jersey, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and by the Statutes of this State, do hereby ORDER and DIRECT:

1. A state of baseball emergency exists with regard to the New York Mets ‘professional’ baseball team by reason of the facts and circumstances set forth above.

2. In light of these facts and circumstances, I hereby order the termination of the New York Mets baseball season as of Friday, February 18^th 2011;

3. Furthermore, I order all pitchers, catchers and all other baseball players currently contracted to perform professional athletic services for the New York Mets to return home to their families until further notice, and cease and desist from any and all spring training activities at this time.

4. Mets manager Terry Collins is hereby ordered immediately to cease and desist from any and all managerial, directorial, coaching and other leadership activities.

4. This action is taken to ensure that the families of the New York/New Jersey metropolitan area are in no danger of seeing something offensive to the sensibilities of the ordinary baseball fan.