I guess the First Amendment is not really “first” in Bayonne….

So what if the election in Bayonne is over? Maybe some residents still want to let the world know who they support for mayor---even well in to 2009.

Maybe it’s part of their Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa decorations.

But according to Bayonne City Public Works Director Gary Chmielewski, no can do. Apparently there is a city zoning code that mandates that all election signs must be removed from residential, commercial and industrial properties within two weeks after an election. City Zoning Officer John Zgola said, he'll be "riding around" looking for sign-breakers. And impose a $1250 fine if they don’t comply.

Didn’t the ACLU already deal with these issues for towns in New Jersey?

Modernize the Debate Format

The first debate between presidential candidates in the modern era were the Kennedy-Nixon debates. Before those, and before TV, there was little demand for any type of debates between the presidential candidates.

The Lincoln-Douglas Senatorial debates of 1858 were actually the first nationally watched debates [ in the newspapers, at least]---mostly because of the hot button issue of the day of slavery. Those guys debated for hours at a time, with people watching, listening, and asking all the questions. "Mr. Lincoln, if you win the election, will you finally take off that big hat?"

No moderator. No lights. No sound bites or quips.

And those debates set up the national rematch just two years later when the candidates met again when running for President. NJ gave 4 Electoral votes to Abe and 3 to candidate Douglas, split the state north and south. Wow, even back then the south and the north had their differences!

And so with the high standards set for debating by Lincoln-Douglas and Kennedy-Nixon, we entered the debate negotiations this year. Choices: A standard debate with podiums and lights. Town hall format with candidates on high chairs, and answering questions of audience members. The candidates seated at a table, talking to each other and the moderator. All boring, with a capital B.

Suggested debate better formats:

Cage match, 'Thunderdome' style: Two candidates in, one candidate out. Both candidates get to swing from those elastic thingies, like in the Mel Gibson movie.

Play "Jeopardy" format: All answers must in the form of a question. For example "This is a nation we invaded for no particular reason".

Leno/Letterman and the Late Night Couch: Candidates talk about tell anecdotes about their childhood, plug their new book or an appearance on SNL, ask passersby some JayWalk questions and read a Top Ten list.

American Idol: Both appear in front of Simon, Paula and the other guy, and sing their economic programs. The home TV audience votes.

Stare contest: Both candidates stare at each other, and the first one to smile or laugh, loses.

and finally, Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?----with all questions posed at the fifth grade level.

Even My Aunt Rose Would Be Proud of the ACLU

Last month, my Aunt Rose told me that knew that Senator Barack Obama was a ‘secret Muslim’ because her friend Shirley read it on ‘the website’.

On “the website”. Like there’s one big website with all the information one needs to know, and if it’s on “the website”, it must be true.

Like those ads that say “as seen on TV!”, with the exclamation point added for extra credibility.

In New Jersey, the fine folks at the ACLU work on behalf of people of all religions. A few years back, they made sure that a school in Hunterdon County let a Christian second-grader sing "My God is an Awesome God" at their annual talent show.

More recently, they helped a Muslim student settle an issue from two years ago, that prevented him from attending his graduation from West Side High School. The school held their graduation at Baptist Church, and his Muslim belief prohibits him from entering a building with religious icons. He was forced to choose between “honoring [his] education and [his] faith”.

The result:

“…the district agreed not to sponsor or promote religious events, to no longer re ward students for attendance at religious events or ceremonies, and to stop using religious buildings or places of worship for school events.”

Thank you to the fine folks at the ACLU. I think even my Aunt Rose would be proud.

Aha! Then I remembered, I am a comedian.

My favorite folk singer is the late great Phil Ochs, who departed this earth in 1976. He was the quintessential folk singer, always ranting more than raving. While others fawned over Bob Dylan, I was moved by the words, music and voice of Phil Ochs. If you’re unfamiliar with him you can check out live concerts recorded in the 1960s through the miracle of YouTube.

Ochs offered snappy patter between his songs. When confronted with a particularly onerous political issue that confronted his sense of justice, he would ponder out loud to his audience, “But, what can I do about this? Aha! And then I remembered! I am a folk singer!”

And he would sing his well-crafted song to provoke, evoke and inspire his audience to ‘think’ and ‘do’.

So, I take inspiration from Ochs: There are many candidates, many issues confronting New Jersey. Prey tell, what can I do, just a humble citizen? Aha! But then, I remembered, I am a comedian. I can write comedy material attacking those amongst us who are conservative Republicans; those who support this war and wish to expand it; those who oppose national healthcare, clean air, clean water, etc, etc. etc.

And finally, I can offer my stand-up comedy and keynote speaker services to any and all Democratic candidates free of charge for political fundraisers through the fall. Yup, call me up and we’ll raise some money for your local Democratic Party or progressive candidate with a gosh darn funny comedy show. And, sometimes, I can even bring with me some good funny comedian friends who are also progressive Democrats. Many of these folks have appeared on HBO, Comedy Central, the Tonight Show and the Late Show.

In the past, we have done this kind of comedy show to support the campaigns of Jon Corzine, Senator Bob Smith, Senator Bob Menendez, and even the fine folks at the ACLU of New Jersey. And it would be my pleasure to see if we can help your group of Democratic candidates raise some bucks, too.

Call it my way of spreading punch lines for progressive politics in NJ.