The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

Political comedy is tough. You are always going to offend someone, but these folks don’t seem to mind. And the shelf life a political comedy joke can sometimes be less than 24 hours. But these guys endeavor to do their best work as soon as CNN, the New York Times, or Glenn Beck reports the news.

America is blessed by having several late-night common show hosts who also offer outstanding political comedy. Jay Leno, Bill Mahr, Jon Stewart, and and even Jimmy Fallon sometimes gets into the act, channeling his former role as the cohost of news update on SNL. But the best political comedian out there today on TV has got to be Lewis Black. So you can decide for yourself, here are the top 10 political humor lines from last week.

10 --"There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'" —Jimmy Fallon

9- "At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body .' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno

8-"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." —David Letterman

7-"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water." —Jay Leno

6-"Dick Cheney's pals at Halliburton ... say they're going to do the underwater cement job to plug the hole. I thought, wait a minute, this is a mistake. Underwater cement? You call the mafia. Am I right?" —David Letterman

5-"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." —Bill Maher

4-"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet overflowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill in the Gulf

3-"Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it." —Jay Leno

2-"Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin , former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor." —David Letterman

1-On Glenn Beck's complaints that critics of Arizona's immigration are making Nazi comparisons: "Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck — this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel." —Lewis Black, in a brilliant Daily Show rant in which he demonstrated that Glenn Beck has "Nazi Tourette's “

"It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!" —Lewis Black, on Glenn Beck's frequent use of Nazi analogies.

And so, another year has come and gone in New Jersey.

Hard to believe we have reached the last year of the first decade of the 21st century. Boy, seems like it was just yesterday that Bush was handed the presidency by the Supreme Court.

And what a year it was! For the folks in the New Jersey news in 2008, we have some parting gifts:

For Dick Zimmer, who could not seem to get any news outlet to cover his Senate race, we leave him a YouTube account, so maybe he can record his own news, and play it for the world to see on his own network [maybe called ‘ZimTV’ ?], along with his very own cardboard cutout of Frank Lautenberg to debate.

For David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, and Jay Leno---a NJ Turnpike EZ Pass and a subscription to New Jersey Monthly magazine, so they can truly learn what a great state this is and stop making endless New Jersey jokes.

For Leo Donofrio, the attorney from East Brunswick who claimed that Barack Obama does not meet the constitutional requirement to be the president, we leave a tin-foil hat and a subscription to Conspiracy Theory Monthly magazine.

For State Senators John Adler and Leonard Lance, leaving the Trenton Beltway for the Washington Beltway, we leave you the new game Congressman in A Box™, that comes with all you need to be successful in Washington: a list of potential campaign donors; a coin to flip for those tough budget votes; a yearly travel pass on Amtrak between DC-New Jersey, a complete list of all the lobbyists on K Street, and set of steel plated back- armor to wear to protect your backs from being stabbed by your fellow Congressman.

For Hunterdon County Sheriff Deb Trout [who is facing a recall effort and just had her office raided by investigators from the County Prosecutor’s Office], we leave a $50 gift certificate for a resume re-write service.

For Joe Ferriero, future ex-Chairman of the Bergen County Democratic Committee, we leave a copy of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and an autographed picture of Loretta Weinberg.

For Congressman Steve Rothman, we leave a new Magic 8 Ball for the 2009 campaign season, the old one having been well used predicting that Barack Obama, and not Hillary Clinton, would be the next the next president of the United States.

To Congressman Rob Andrews, we leave a Facebook and MySpace account so he can find new friends---since his run against Frank Lautenberg and the subsequent breaking of his promise not to run again for Congress will leave him with few friends in the New Jersey congressional delegation.

To Steve Lonegan, Americans for Prosperity, we leave….unfortunately not at all, because he’s gonna be back big time in 2009, running for governor again, to annoy us even more than in 2008.

For all the last remaining Hillary supporters in New Jersey who still have not gotten over her loss to Obama, we leave you T-Shirts that read, “I Voted For Hillary, and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt” on the front, and “Hillary 2016” on the back.

For all the towns with populations under 5000, we leave you a complete set of the names of all the towns in New Jersey, so you can figure which are the best towns to merge with. Hint “Wayne” should avoid merging with “Newton”. “Wayne-Newton, NJ”?

For the all the parting investigative news reporters from the Star-Ledger, we leave you a blogspot.com account, so you can all continue writing, and a Star-Ledger subscription, so that you can judge how bad the paper will become now that you’re all gone.

On a serious note, for Governor Jon Corzine, we leave our thanks for his courage in abolishing the death penalty in New Jersey, and for agreeing to sign a marriage equality bill, once it reaches his desk.

And for all the New Jersey men and women serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, we leave you our wishes that you are home very soon. And to all those dads, moms, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters who gave the ultimate sacrifice---there is nothing more that we can give you but our thanks to you and your families.

Happy New Year.

Best of the Late Night Talk shows

Here is some of the best political humor the late night shows have to offer for this week:

"Paris Hilton's mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. You know about this? He put Paris in his campaign video, and she's furious. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about?" --Jay Leno

"According to the Huffington Post, it's being reported that Barack Obama may name Indiana Senator Evan Bayh as his vice-presidential running mate tomorrow. Tomorrow, that's what. Here's what we know about Evan Bayh. He was going to run for president, then he dropped out after getting less than 2% of the vote. Less that 2%! He was actually losing to low-fat milk." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno

Conan vs Jay vs Letterman: The best in Late Night Presidential Political Jokes.

The comedians and candidates collide. You decide:

"Barack Obama announced that after all the insulting comments and bitterness, he is severing his 20-year relationship with Reverend Wright. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, you can do that with someone?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of a big brouhaha with the Republicans going on here, because (Jenna Bush) said she wasn't sure that she was going to support McCain. She said she's 'open to learning' about the other candidates.' … But come on, this is kind of a treason in the Bush family. Not supporting a Democrat -- being open to learning. That's outrageous." --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton says she's willing to debate Barack Obama. This is what she said: anytime, anywhere, and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Yeah, which is surprising, because the 'anytime, anywhere, even in back of a truck' offer is usually made by Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there's Bill O'Reilly." --Craig Ferguson

You, Me and Dupre

Here are some of the late night talk show jokes about the unfortunate travails of New York's former governor:

"This 22-year-old brunette prostitute, Ashley Alexandra Dupre -- that's a hooker name if you ever heard one -- the one that got caught with the governor, she's now talking about writing a book. A book. So guys, let that be a lesson to you. Whenever you hire a prostitute, always go for the blondes. No chance of her writing a a book." --Jay Leno

"No, it turns out this woman is also a singer. You can hear her song on MySpace. She doesn't have a bad voice. Although, today, the governor said, 'You know something, you really got to see her perform live.'" --Jay Leno

"Now everybody's trying to get an interview with her. Right now, she said she's going to lay low and focus on her next step, marrying Paul McCartney." --Jay Leno

"More and more information is starting to come out about the young lady who charged the former governor $5,000 an hour for her services. It seems she's a singer. And on her MySpace page, she lists Celine Dion as one of her idols. Celine Dion. Of course, the big difference is, Celine Dion sang about going down on the Titanic." --Jay Leno

"You know the amazing thing to me about this whole situation is? Now, we didn't know anything about this woman. She'd given a fake name, 'Kristen,' and a vague general description -- 5'5", petite. That's all we knew. Yet, reporters tracked her down in a day and a half. A day in a half, they found her. Now, Osama bin Laden, the most famous terrorist in the world -- he's 6'6", he's got a beard, he wears the same robe and turban every day -- we have no idea." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, the young lady has been identified as Ashley Dupre. That doesn't sound like a hooker name, does it? No. She says she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. She can also play a Catholic schoolgirl, a nurse, a dominatrix, any number of things." --Jay Leno

"More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute. Her name's Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute." --Jay Leno

Look for the union label when laughing...

Usually, I can gather up some great political humor from the professional writers for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Real Time with Bill Maher, and Late Night with Conan O’Brien. However, the Writers strike has dried that all up for now. Too bad, too ---with the presidential campaign about to come in to full gear in 2008. Certainly we can use a great deal of humor to get us through the next nine months till November.

So, although I risk the wrath of union writers every where, I offer some political humor written by ordinary folks out there ---who have offered to share their thoughts on the candidates from both parties:

"Former President Clinton said when he dated Hillary, he told her to dump him and focus on political office. Considering he also recently said he was opposed to war with Iraq, which Hillary supported, she may finally take him up on his offer." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland

"Did you see Rudy Giuliani giggle his way through that Tim Russert interview? It was a lot like Hillary Clinton’s cackle-fest, only an octave higher. And the two candidates have something else in common — they’re both slipping in the polls. But don’t worry — they can always get work as a laugh track." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York

"Republican candidates held a presidential debate for Hispanic voters on Sunday in Florida, which aired on Spanish language television. They got a hostile reception. Almost one third of the studio audience had just been fired by Mitt Romney." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles

"Oprah Winfrey campaigned with Barrack Obama in Iowa. The two spoke in front of huge, enthusiastic crowds. And ten lucky people in attendance received free makeovers." --Gary Bachman, Maryland

"President Bush accidentally gave out the wrong phone number for the subprime mortgage helpline yesterday and instead announced a number that was actually for a Christian school in Texas. Unfortunately, most callers found out Jesus doesn't want to give them a loan either." --Jake Novak, New York

"Did you hear any of Oprah's Obama speeches? That woman’s one hell of an actress! She actually had me believing she's black." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York

Rudy jokes vs Hillary jokes: Which jokes are funnier? You decide.

On the Republican side, currently the leader in the polls is Rudy Giuliani. On the Democratic side, it’s Senator Hillary Clinton.

For comedians, the good thing about the both of them, is, that they are both easy targets for humor.

But, the real question is, who is the easier target?

You decide. Here are five jokes each about Rudy and Hillary, borrowed from late night talk shows.

Rudy:

"On January 20, 2009, you may very well be welcoming to the White House Rudy Giuliani and his lovely wife, whoever that may be at the time. ... Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. I'm not making that up. I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote." –Bill Maher

On Rudy Giuliani saying during a debate that he couldn’t possibly describe the mistakes he's made in 30 seconds. "Here's a hint. It starts with annulling my first marriage to my second cousin and it ends with my kids from my second marriage supporting Barack Obama because they hate my third wife." --Jon Stewart

"During a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven" --Seth Meyers

"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

"Well, each candidate has an appeal for gay voters. I mean, Barack Obama knows what it's like to face intolerance; John Edwards gets $400 haircuts; and Hillary is really in need of a makeover. In fact, the winner of the gay debate will go on to face Rudy Giuliani in the cross-dressing caucus" --Jay Leno

Hillary:

"Yesterday on the campaign trail ... Senator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, 'It's not just NAFTA. I'm also opposed to my husband's views on MILFs." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, 'How 'bout Salma Hayek?'" --Conan O'Brien

"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary's plan, saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. ... $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too." --Jay Leno

"Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there's one thing she knows, it's how to spot a guy who's lying." --Jay Leno

And we wonder why we're fodder for Jay Leno Jokes

Bon Jovi, preparing for 10 Newark shows, praises new arena

Newark, N.J. - The music of New Jersey rockers Bon Jovi battled with the din of saws and drills in the Prudential Arena Tuesday. The musicians were preparing for a series of 10 shows they'll be holding at the downtown Newark facility starting Thursday. The band is the first act to perform at the arena.

Years ago, when the now defunct Governor McGreevey was still Mayor McGreevey, he was in between runs for governor. It was some time in 1999/2000, that he was still traveling from Cape May to Ft. Lee and back again---going to every chicken dinner, political rally, summer time BBQ, senior citizen home, shaking hands and smooching NJ babies----all with the purpose of keeping his name and hope alive in order to run for Gov again in 2001. Little did we know what was happening on the GSP rest stops during those trips. But that is another story.

Then it happened: The now defunct Senator Torricelli announced he, too, may wish to run for Gov. After all, he told state Dems, McGreevey lost to Whitman, and the Party needed a fresh candidate with a statewide profile---so, I am your man. And for the next twelve days, the two men took to calling the state chairs.

Their calls burned the phone lines. As the Hunterdon County Chair back then before the turn of the century, I was the recipient of many calls. The battle waged fearlessly with promises, more promises, and even more promises. McGreevey disparaged the Torch and the Torch hit back hard. Their raging battle saw more twists and turns than Bush’s Iraq policy.

But then an endorsement came that turned the tide: The now defunct Mayor of Newark, Sharp James, came out and endorsed McGreevey. That gave McGreevey the edge he needed to spell disaster for Torricelli. The basis for that endorsement: McGreevey promised that as governor, he would support an arena to be built in downtown Newark.

Ballgame over. Torricelli over. McGreevey wins. McGreevey wins.

Now, it is seven years later, and the Prudential Area is a reality. Times have changed, though.

McGreevey is in preparation for entering the priesthood. Sharpe James is in preparation for trial. Torricelli is in real estate, political consultation, wahtever else, and writes on occasion for PoliticsNJ.

And the Prudential Area is set to open with Jon Bon Jovi, runner up to Bruce (who I would imagine they really wanted instead). With tons of traffic predicted for the opening nights, Bon Jovi will rock the stage to sold out shows, for this week at least. With the Nets going through the tunnels to Brooklyn in a few years, NJ will be minus one sports team to play at the new Arena----the only team that actually played in New Jersey, AND had the NJ title in their name.

So, it goes in NJ. And we wonder why we’re fodder for Jay Leno jokes. Maybe he should try Jay-walking on the streets of Newark. He would get an earful.