The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

Political comedy is tough. You are always going to offend someone, but these folks don’t seem to mind. And the shelf life a political comedy joke can sometimes be less than 24 hours. But these guys endeavor to do their best work as soon as CNN, the New York Times, or Glenn Beck reports the news.

America is blessed by having several late-night common show hosts who also offer outstanding political comedy. Jay Leno, Bill Mahr, Jon Stewart, and and even Jimmy Fallon sometimes gets into the act, channeling his former role as the cohost of news update on SNL. But the best political comedian out there today on TV has got to be Lewis Black. So you can decide for yourself, here are the top 10 political humor lines from last week.

10 --"There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'" —Jimmy Fallon

9- "At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body .' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control." —Jay Leno

8-"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." —David Letterman

7-"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water." —Jay Leno

6-"Dick Cheney's pals at Halliburton ... say they're going to do the underwater cement job to plug the hole. I thought, wait a minute, this is a mistake. Underwater cement? You call the mafia. Am I right?" —David Letterman

5-"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." —Bill Maher

4-"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet overflowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill in the Gulf

3-"Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it." —Jay Leno

2-"Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin , former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor." —David Letterman

1-On Glenn Beck's complaints that critics of Arizona's immigration are making Nazi comparisons: "Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck — this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel." —Lewis Black, in a brilliant Daily Show rant in which he demonstrated that Glenn Beck has "Nazi Tourette's “

"It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!" —Lewis Black, on Glenn Beck's frequent use of Nazi analogies.

Conan vs Jay vs Letterman: The best in Late Night Presidential Political Jokes.

The comedians and candidates collide. You decide:

"Barack Obama announced that after all the insulting comments and bitterness, he is severing his 20-year relationship with Reverend Wright. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, you can do that with someone?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of a big brouhaha with the Republicans going on here, because (Jenna Bush) said she wasn't sure that she was going to support McCain. She said she's 'open to learning' about the other candidates.' … But come on, this is kind of a treason in the Bush family. Not supporting a Democrat -- being open to learning. That's outrageous." --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton says she's willing to debate Barack Obama. This is what she said: anytime, anywhere, and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Yeah, which is surprising, because the 'anytime, anywhere, even in back of a truck' offer is usually made by Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there's Bill O'Reilly." --Craig Ferguson

Look for the union label when laughing...

Usually, I can gather up some great political humor from the professional writers for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Real Time with Bill Maher, and Late Night with Conan O’Brien. However, the Writers strike has dried that all up for now. Too bad, too ---with the presidential campaign about to come in to full gear in 2008. Certainly we can use a great deal of humor to get us through the next nine months till November.

So, although I risk the wrath of union writers every where, I offer some political humor written by ordinary folks out there ---who have offered to share their thoughts on the candidates from both parties:

"Former President Clinton said when he dated Hillary, he told her to dump him and focus on political office. Considering he also recently said he was opposed to war with Iraq, which Hillary supported, she may finally take him up on his offer." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland

"Did you see Rudy Giuliani giggle his way through that Tim Russert interview? It was a lot like Hillary Clinton’s cackle-fest, only an octave higher. And the two candidates have something else in common — they’re both slipping in the polls. But don’t worry — they can always get work as a laugh track." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York

"Republican candidates held a presidential debate for Hispanic voters on Sunday in Florida, which aired on Spanish language television. They got a hostile reception. Almost one third of the studio audience had just been fired by Mitt Romney." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles

"Oprah Winfrey campaigned with Barrack Obama in Iowa. The two spoke in front of huge, enthusiastic crowds. And ten lucky people in attendance received free makeovers." --Gary Bachman, Maryland

"President Bush accidentally gave out the wrong phone number for the subprime mortgage helpline yesterday and instead announced a number that was actually for a Christian school in Texas. Unfortunately, most callers found out Jesus doesn't want to give them a loan either." --Jake Novak, New York

"Did you hear any of Oprah's Obama speeches? That woman’s one hell of an actress! She actually had me believing she's black." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York

Rudy jokes vs Hillary jokes: Which jokes are funnier? You decide.

On the Republican side, currently the leader in the polls is Rudy Giuliani. On the Democratic side, it’s Senator Hillary Clinton.

For comedians, the good thing about the both of them, is, that they are both easy targets for humor.

But, the real question is, who is the easier target?

You decide. Here are five jokes each about Rudy and Hillary, borrowed from late night talk shows.

Rudy:

"On January 20, 2009, you may very well be welcoming to the White House Rudy Giuliani and his lovely wife, whoever that may be at the time. ... Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. I'm not making that up. I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote." –Bill Maher

On Rudy Giuliani saying during a debate that he couldn’t possibly describe the mistakes he's made in 30 seconds. "Here's a hint. It starts with annulling my first marriage to my second cousin and it ends with my kids from my second marriage supporting Barack Obama because they hate my third wife." --Jon Stewart

"During a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven" --Seth Meyers

"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

"Well, each candidate has an appeal for gay voters. I mean, Barack Obama knows what it's like to face intolerance; John Edwards gets $400 haircuts; and Hillary is really in need of a makeover. In fact, the winner of the gay debate will go on to face Rudy Giuliani in the cross-dressing caucus" --Jay Leno

Hillary:

"Yesterday on the campaign trail ... Senator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, 'It's not just NAFTA. I'm also opposed to my husband's views on MILFs." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, 'How 'bout Salma Hayek?'" --Conan O'Brien

"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary's plan, saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. ... $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too." --Jay Leno

"Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there's one thing she knows, it's how to spot a guy who's lying." --Jay Leno

Top Ten Late-Night Jokes About Scooter Libby

I couldn't resist a Top Ten Late-Night Jokes List
About Scooter Libby.

After all, it is Friday.

10-"Earlier today, a federal judge sentenced Scooter Libby to 30 months in prison for lying. I believe prison is not the place to be when your nickname is Scooter." --Jay Leno

9- "Some speculate President Bush will pardon Libby right before he serves jail time, while others ... know he will." --Jon Stewart

8- "Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher

7- "I say if Bush doesn't pardon him, at least he should give him a new nickname, because if you have Scooter on the back of your prison jump suit, you are just asking for it." --Bill Maher

6-"The Republican base is furious. They are saying it is wrong to convict someone of perjury and obstruction of justice unless there is proof of an underlying blow job." --Bill Maher


5- "Libby was indicted on two counts of obstruction of justice, three counts of perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart

4- "Personally, I think Libby got off easy -- usually when you take one for Cheney, it's a shot in the face" --Jay Leno

3-"In the Valerie Plame case, Scooter Libby was found not guilty ... on one of the five charges. ... But the media is instead focusing, of course, on the four counts of perjury, lying to the FBI and obstruction of justice for which Libby was convicted. It's typical. They always see the glass as 80% guilty." --Stephen Colbert

2- "Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent." --Jay Leno

And the number 1 Late-Night Joke About Scooter Libby:

1- "What did Scooter Libby say when he bumped into President Bush at the White House? ... Pardon me." --Jay Leno