Best of the Late Night Talk shows

Here is some of the best political humor the late night shows have to offer for this week:

"Paris Hilton's mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. You know about this? He put Paris in his campaign video, and she's furious. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about?" --Jay Leno

"According to the Huffington Post, it's being reported that Barack Obama may name Indiana Senator Evan Bayh as his vice-presidential running mate tomorrow. Tomorrow, that's what. Here's what we know about Evan Bayh. He was going to run for president, then he dropped out after getting less than 2% of the vote. Less that 2%! He was actually losing to low-fat milk." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno

Conan vs Jay vs Letterman: The best in Late Night Presidential Political Jokes.

The comedians and candidates collide. You decide:

"Barack Obama announced that after all the insulting comments and bitterness, he is severing his 20-year relationship with Reverend Wright. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, you can do that with someone?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of a big brouhaha with the Republicans going on here, because (Jenna Bush) said she wasn't sure that she was going to support McCain. She said she's 'open to learning' about the other candidates.' … But come on, this is kind of a treason in the Bush family. Not supporting a Democrat -- being open to learning. That's outrageous." --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton says she's willing to debate Barack Obama. This is what she said: anytime, anywhere, and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Yeah, which is surprising, because the 'anytime, anywhere, even in back of a truck' offer is usually made by Bill Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton announced today she’ll appear on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there's Bill O'Reilly." --Craig Ferguson

Look for the union label when laughing...

Usually, I can gather up some great political humor from the professional writers for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Real Time with Bill Maher, and Late Night with Conan O’Brien. However, the Writers strike has dried that all up for now. Too bad, too ---with the presidential campaign about to come in to full gear in 2008. Certainly we can use a great deal of humor to get us through the next nine months till November.

So, although I risk the wrath of union writers every where, I offer some political humor written by ordinary folks out there ---who have offered to share their thoughts on the candidates from both parties:

"Former President Clinton said when he dated Hillary, he told her to dump him and focus on political office. Considering he also recently said he was opposed to war with Iraq, which Hillary supported, she may finally take him up on his offer." --Bob Hirschfeld, Maryland

"Did you see Rudy Giuliani giggle his way through that Tim Russert interview? It was a lot like Hillary Clinton’s cackle-fest, only an octave higher. And the two candidates have something else in common — they’re both slipping in the polls. But don’t worry — they can always get work as a laugh track." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York

"Republican candidates held a presidential debate for Hispanic voters on Sunday in Florida, which aired on Spanish language television. They got a hostile reception. Almost one third of the studio audience had just been fired by Mitt Romney." --Argus Hamilton, Los Angeles

"Oprah Winfrey campaigned with Barrack Obama in Iowa. The two spoke in front of huge, enthusiastic crowds. And ten lucky people in attendance received free makeovers." --Gary Bachman, Maryland

"President Bush accidentally gave out the wrong phone number for the subprime mortgage helpline yesterday and instead announced a number that was actually for a Christian school in Texas. Unfortunately, most callers found out Jesus doesn't want to give them a loan either." --Jake Novak, New York

"Did you hear any of Oprah's Obama speeches? That woman’s one hell of an actress! She actually had me believing she's black." --Madeleine Begun Kane, New York

Every candidate has a silver punchline

I have been speaking on the topic of humor in politics for about fifteen years to the New Jersey State League of Municipalities. And I have been the keynote speaker at about 20 other state leagues and national conferences of elected officials. When humor is used appropriately, it can make important points, diffuse tension, bring new people to see your point of view ---and most importantly ----show your human side.

Sometimes politicos do very well on TV when trying to be funny. Some do not.

The 2008 candidates for president have been sort of funny in the debates. Sometimes there are planned ‘quips’. Sometimes spontaneous. But I am sure that with most of the candidates hitting The Daily Show, The Tonight Show, Letterman, Leno, Conan O’Brien ----they each have someone on their staff to write good one-liners or to consult with them on how to deliver a punch line. I was once even called on to help Jim Florio be funny at the New Jersey Legislative Correspondents Dinner.

Here are some of the better one-liners from recent appearances by the 2008 candidates from USA Today, that voters may use to decide who they support:

Sen. Joseph Biden, made short, funny work of a question about his propensity for verbal gaffes and verbosity in general.

"Can you reassure voters in this country that you would have the discipline you would need on the world stage?" moderator Brian Williams asked him at an MSNBC debate in April.

"Yes," Biden said. As it became clear that was his entire answer, the audience roared.

What do you pray for? Was asked of Senator Hillary Clinton, at a forum on faith: "Oh Lord, why can't you help me lose weight?"

John Edwards and the $400 haircut: The haircut was a private expense that was listed on a publicly disclosed campaign-spending report. The former North Carolina senator did damage control last month on NBC's The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Asked why he and his wife, Elizabeth, eat at Wendy's on their wedding anniversary, Edwards said: "You can't spend money on food when you're spending money on haircuts"

Sen. Chris Dodd, is making pre-emptive cracks about his age (63) and late-in-life fatherhood (his daughters are 5 and 2). "I'm probably the only one who gets mailings from AARP and diaper services," he often says.

Barack Obama faces potential wariness about his name. He introduces the topic by describing his first run for office: People everywhere asked, "Where did you get this name, Barack Obama? They'd mispronounce it to me. They would call me Alabama or Yo-Mama, and I'd have to explain it was Obama; my father was from Kenya, from Africa; my mother was from Kansas."

Sometimes funny ads can help:

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has moved up to double-digits in Iowa polls since starting a series of ads called "Job Interview." Each is a skit with a crass interviewer and the bemused governor.

In one, the interviewer reviews the Democrat's résumé — congressman, U.S. energy secretary, United Nations ambassador, Nobel Peace Prize nominee — and chews food as he asks, "So, what makes you think you can be president?"

Even the Republicans try their hand at humor:

Mitt Romney: The Mormon faith, with its polygamous past, poses a similar challenge for Romney. He handled it this way at a St. Patrick's Day breakfast in 2005, when he was governor: "I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman … and a woman …and a woman."

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani pulled that off at a CNN debate last month when microphone problems interrupted his answer to a question about his differences with Catholic bishops. Told lightning was the culprit, he laughed and said: "For someone who went to parochial schools his whole life, this is a very frightening thing."

How long did God take to create the world? Was asked of Mike Huckabee, at a debate: "I don't know. I wasn't there."

And two old standards from both sides of the political aisle:

One classic was the fake telegram then-senator John F. Kennedy read from his father at the 1958 Gridiron Dinner in Washington: "Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary — I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide." With that, Kennedy defused allegations that his rich father was trying to buy him the 1960 election.

Reagan scored a similar coup regarding his age, 73, when he ran for re-election in 1984 against Walter Mondale, then 56. "I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience," Reagan said during a debate. Mondale laughed and the issue became moot.

Humor: A tool in the rights hands. A horrible mistake in others'.