Wednesday, December 30, 2009

'Twas the week before 2010

'Twas the week before 2010, and all through the State,

Not a Politico was worried, about our problems so great.

They were all on recess with nary a care,

West State Street was empty---not a lobbyist was there.

All Politicos went home--to the South and the North,

‘cause ‘Lame Duck’ was over, --at least ‘til the Fourth.

Both the Reds and the Blues---had new state leaders in place,

And some had their eyes on their Congressional race.

In ’09, Three Wise Men vied for the state’s top post,

Only one could win, and the others would be ‘toast’.

And for the first time, a Lt. Gov would be elected,

Serving at the side of the man who’d be selected.

But the November Election had caused such a clatter,

Talking important issues ---like which candidate was fatter.

Driving records, loans to friends, and who paid what tax.

Emails to ex-girl friends and who worked at Goldman Sachs.

While the Governor incumbent, used his own cash,

The other campaigns were paid with taxpayers’ stash.

Did they get their money’s worth in the campaign?

Well, some taxpayers voted, but they mostly abstained.

Christie went after State corruption with political zest,

Some politicos were indicted, some subject to arrest.

"On Sharpe James! On, Bryant! On Manzo, Mims Hackett!

“You’re gonna help me get to my new home, Drumthwacket.”

Christie said he’d cut spending- “I’ll turn Trenton upside down!”

“Things will change when I get to that town!”

"I will never raise your taxes! Never! Not one cent"

But never revealed specifics about what would be spent.

Back and forth the polls said the lead changed hands.

Who would we agree on? Who’d have the most fans?

Their Debate raged on like a “Who’s on First?” routine,

Only thing the candidates agreed on: Bruce Springsteen.

And so in November the result of the Election,

Was that New Jersey had chosen a new, different direction.

Of course, this was not what the Democrats would expect.

But now, Chris Christie of Mendhem is the Governor-Elect.

Some say “He is full of bluster. Will be a lousy state boss.”

“And he’d benefit much from a Dale Carnegie course.”

You can say what you will about the Christie machine.

But any governor contenders must wait till 2013.

Tis true that problems won’t change very much,

With taxes and debt and traffic and such;

Still, no better place to live than New Jersey, right here,

"Happy Holidays to all, and to all a Good Year!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Coalition of Indicted and Jailed Politcos form Group to Help State

The New Jersey’s CrimeStoppers Program has made thousands of arrests and paid out hundreds of thousands of dollars in reward money over the past two decades. But officials say many of the do-gooders who have turned in thieves; rapists and killers have truly been good Samaritans and turned down the reward money.

"The majority of people don’t want the money," said Morris County CrimeStoppers Chairman John Sette. "They want the bad guys off the street."

Well, the State now has nothing to worry about: A group of former elected officials, now serving time in prison, have formed a group to help the state out, so that the money can be distributed for a “good cause”.

From behind prison doors, former State Senators Sharpe James, Wayne Bryant and John Lynch have formed CASH, Citizens Associated for State Help. “There is no group who is more committed to handing state money than we are,” said former state senator Sharpe James, through a prison spokesman. James (federal inmate number 28791-050) is currently serving a 2-year prison sentence in a federal prison camp in Petersburg, Virginia. The investigation and prosecution of James was led by New Jersey Governor-elect Christopher Christie, who at the time was the United States Attorney for the District of New Jersey.

Former State Senator John Lynch agreed, “We are used to handling large sums of cash, and are more than willing to help the state out in these tough economic times.” Lynch, the former State Senate President from 1989 to 1991, pleaded guilty in the U.S. District Court on one count of mail fraud and one count of tax evasion in 2006.

Their plan is to take the large amount of the state funds, convert it to CASH for use in the “white envelope industry, the diners on state roads, and the table manufacterors for 'under-table' construction."

"CASH is committed to helping the state in anyway we can, and we look forward to working with Governor Christie," finished Mr. James.

Former Mayors are currently forming CASH Franchises around the state. Anthony Suarez of Ridgefield, Dennis Elwell of Secaucus, Leona Beldini of Jersey City, and Peter Cammarano III of Hoboken, all forward to working with CASH.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Jersey Officials finally caught up with Ilya the Manatee. Problem: No Beach Tags.

After almost two months vacationing in the Garden State, Jersey Officials finally caught up with Ilya the Manatee.

Problem: No Beach Tags.

“This big fat sea cow had no Beach Pass to speak of. And he’s been lounging around the water near the Atlas Yacht Club in Bayonne. Next, in a creek outside a Linden oil refinery,” said a local beach official who wished to remain anonymous.

Ilya was first spotted Thursday morning in Morses Creek off the Arthur Kill by a ConocoPhillips worker conducting regular inspection rounds at the Bayway refinery, according to company spokesman Rich Johnson.

Johnson was livid at this kind of scam. “If I have to reach in my pocket for a Beach Tag for my family to use the Jersey Shore, so does this fatso,” squawked Johnson, sounding perturbed. It may have been that Ilya the Manatee was not used to having to pay for a Beach Tag. The beaches along the coast from Florida through North Carolina, Virginia and Delaware are all free.

Generally, manatees weigh between 880 to 1,200 lb, and are about 9.2 feet to 9.8 feet long. Since this was a first offense, Ilya was let off with a warning. However, he was placed under the authority of the US Coast Guard, and sent back to his home state of Florida, under the aegis of the Miami Seaquarium.

“This guy Ilya was huge. It took ten of us to lift him into the transport,” said a Coast Guard spokesman. “Very lazy. All he wanted to do was float around and eat vegetables.”

Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Hunterdon County Republican Committee met today to choose a Freeholder

The Hunterdon County Republican Committee met today to choose a successor to replace Freeholder Erik Peterson, who resigned Tuesday to become a member of the State Assembly. Peterson took the place of Senator Michael Doherty, who stepped up to take the place of Leonard Lance, who became a member of Congress in January.

Initially, there were three candidates seeking to replace Mr. Peterson. Contenders included Mayor Rob Walton of Hampton; Tom Borkowski, a former Clinton Township mayor, and Carol Hoffmann, an Alexandria Committeewoman. But late yesterday, a fourth candidate emerged: The Wolf-Dog, who was nominated after continuing to escape from his owners in Holland Township. Wolf dogs are defined as dogs with a wolf ancestor in the past three generations.

Holland Township resident Cliff Zager thinks the Township Committee's consideration of banning wolf dogs is something personal. So, he decided to nominate his Wolf-Dog for freeholder, in an attempt to fight for his rights. Zager owns 14 of the dogs, which are a hybrid of wolves and domesticated canines. "I believe the Township is hell-bent on getting me out of here," said Zager.

“The Holland Wolf-Dog is the really perfect Republican candidate. They have unpredictable behavior patterns. Very curious and are generally more destructive than dogs. They have social habits revolving around a pack structure,” continued Zager. “Their aggression tends to peak during the winter months when hormones run high. Attacks may also be spurred by people becoming suddenly and conspicuously vulnerable due to either injury, disease or fear. Once again, the perfect Freeholder come budget time.”

However, after all the votes were counted, Hampton mayor Rob Walton was chosen by Hunterdon's Republican party leaders to be the county's fifth freeholder. “I will work hard for all Hunterdon residents,” said Walton uncomfortably, as he eyed the Wolf-Dog, growling.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Roundin' Up The News 12.2.09

Here you go, folks---a round up of the top stories from around the Garden State in small bites you can almost taste.

N.J. Governor-elect blasts Democrats, Senator Paul Sarlo gives pre-emptive response.

TRENTON -- Returning from a Thanksgiving vacation, Gov.-elect Chris Christie today quickly ended any illusion of harmony in the gubernatorial transition.

With rhetorical flourish, the Republican criticized three main issues: He tore into Democratic Gov. Jon Corzine’s "wildly off" budget projections, his nomination of "unqualified" Middlesex County Sheriff Joseph Spicuzzo to sit on the New Jersey Sports and Exposition Authority, and various Democrats’ lame-duck maneuvers, including weighing bills that would require spending.

In a pre-emptive response to the Governor-elect’s criticism of the three issues, Senator Paul Sarlo declared, “Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.”

The Governor-elect could not be reached for further comment.

Hapless NJ Nets' move to Brooklyn gets boost

The New Jersey Nets planned move to Brooklyn advanced Tuesday when the team owner received favorable ratings on the bonds he must sell to build an arena and a court knocked down another appeal of the project, according to a report in The New York Times. This was surprising considering the New Jersey Nets are lounging in last place in the Atlantic Division of the Eastern Conference at 0-17.

An anonymous source from the bond-ranking service said “We have used the same metrics here that we used to measure the economic status last year of Lehman Brothers, AIG, and General Motors. And we feel confident that the best is yet to come. The Nets will turn things around very soon.”

In other Nets related news, NJ Nets players approve of choice of Kiki Vandeweghe as new coach, who will apply immediately for TARP bailout funds from the Federal government “ so the team can afford better player, like Jason Kidd.”

New state Senator Michael Doherty targets Highlands Council.

Michael Doherty became the state senator for the 23rd District, which includes all of Warren County, on Nov. 23 in the Trenton legislative chambers. Senate President Richard Codey administered the oath, and Linda Doherty held the Bible.

Michael Doherty says he will press for the abolition of the Highlands Planning Council in his new position as state senator for the 23rd District.

In a time of economic downturn, the Highlands “has added great uncertainty to economic activity this part of state,” he said. Senator Doherty is sure to be one of the more conservative members of the upper house.

Mr. Doherty, who has a strong belief in smaller and smaller government continued, “I would also like to see the eventual dismantling of COAH, the dismantling of beaches of New Jersey by allowing off-shore oil drilling, and maybe even the eventual dismantling of counties of Warren and Hunterdon, and the entire northwestern portion of the state.”

Finally he stated, “Perhaps an itsy bitsy government would be best at every level.”

Joey Novick can be reached via email at