Monday, February 20, 2012

Never Fear, Gay Citizens: Ombuds-Man Will Protect Civil Unions In New Jers

Faster than EZ Pass! More powerful than New Jersey Transit! Able to leap the Prudential Center in a single bound!

“Look up in the sky! It's a Rainbow! It’s a Pink Triangle!” “No, it's Ombuds-Man!”

It’s Ombuds-Man! He is a mild-mannered reporter for PolitickerNJ, but when he hears the distressed call of a gay or lesbian couple in need, he dons his rainbow cape and purple mask and swishes off whereever there is civil union trouble.

Secretly, he gets his power from the glowing gold dome at the Statehouse in Trenton, and can never be further away from it than the distance to Bergen County in the north or Cape May in the south.

"I have been just as adamant that same-sex couples in a civil union deserve the very same rights and benefits enjoyed by married couples — as well as the strict enforcement of those rights and benefits," Gov. Christie said. “Ombuds-Man should be able to ensure the state’s civil union law is being followed."

“That’s good, because the real problem is that Gay couples don't know how to be ‘married’ since they are civil-unioned…civil-unionized…civil-unionizationalized. Anyway, ‘Ombuds-Man’ is here to help Gay couples,” noted an unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.

Take ‘Richard’ and ‘Carl’ (not their real names): Recently Ombuds-Man heard their cry for help. When he arrived in their suburban home, they were arguing like an ‘old-married couple’, but were doing it all wrong---because they’ve never been married.
Richard : “Carl always leaves his underwear on the floor.” Carl: “Richard never puts the cap back on the toothpaste.”

Ombuds-Man solved the problem: “Carl, from now on, you go ‘commando’. Richard, you stop brushing your teeth altogether. Problem solved!"

Richard & Carl: “Thank you, Ombuds-Man! You're the greatest! With Ombuds-Man, we'll never need to get married. Who needs to get married when we have --- Ombuds-Man!!!

“No, problem, Gay citizens.’ If your union is un-civil, just call Ombuds-Man, We’ll stop that drivel! Up, up and away! I hear the call of a lesbian couple in Hoboken!”

“Ombuds-Man’s only weakness is ‘pure logic’. Thank goodness you'll not find too much of that in Trenton,” explained the unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Winner Of The Westminster Dog Show Leads In New GOP Poll

In the latest New Jersey presidential poll conducted by Monmouth University pollster, Patrick Murray, 826 likely voters were were asked who they currently support for the GOP nomination for president.

In the poll, 32% indicated they support Westminster Dog Show 2012 “Best In Show” winner Malachy, a Pekingese for the GOP nomination, with Gov. Mitt Romney and former Sen. Rick Santorum with 29% and 26% respectively.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was fourth in the poll at 18%, with Congressman Ron Paul holding steady at 2%. The poll was conducted over the evening of February 14, 2012 and has a sampling error of plus or minus 3 %. With the sampling error, Congressman Ron Paul could have as many as 5% of the vote or -1%.

Les Malkovich of Little Egg Harbor indicated that he would like to see, “a presidential candidate for the GOP who has no problem cleaning his own private parts,” and now he’s not been particularly impressed with Romney, Santorum or Gingrich and their lack of ability in that area.

The Pekingese, or “Peke” (also commonly referred to as “Lion Dog”, or “Pelchie Dog” due to its resemblance to Chinese Guardian lions) is an ancient breed of toy dog, originating in China. The breed was favored by the Chinese Imperial court, and its name refers to the city of Beijing where the Forbidden City resides.

New Jersey State Tea Party Chair Donald Valdis Swartz issued an immediate demand to see “the birth certificate or valid registration papers and dog license,” of the Pekinese so that, “the United States doesn’t have to suffer through another foreign-born elected president.”