Saturday, April 14, 2012

Newark Fireman Runs into City Hall To Help Pass Stalled Bill.

“Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.”

In what is certain to be an astonishing turn of events, Ralph “Buddy” Simmons, a firefighter of the WEST WARD ENG. 11 / LADDER 11 –located at 345 SOUTH 9TH AVENUE ran into City Hall to help pass a stalled bill.

“I was walking past City Hall on Broad Street, when I heard cries for help coming from the second floor of the building. I ran into the building, without thinking or concern for my own safety,” said Simmons, a 12 year veteran of the Newark Fire Department.

At the time, the Newark Municipal Council members were arguing loudly over a “new ordinance that would impact something or other on the citizens of Newark… their quality of life… from all the yelling and screaming I heard, I know I didn’t have much time to help,” added Simmons.

Councilman Ras J. Baraka was yelling one thing, while Augusto Amador and Donald M. Payne, Jr. were shouting another, according to reports. Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.

Simmons immediately took control, calming down the frenetic members of Council. He carried both council members Ron Rice Jr. and Mildred C. Crump, over his shoulders out onto Broad Street to safety.

City officials say he was fortunate.

“The outcome was positive but it was a very dangerous decision to make and likely not to be successful if you are untrained and unequipped,” noted city of Newark spokesperson, Julia Garza-Martinez. Simmons was treated for ‘verbosity inhalation’ at the University of Medicine and Dentistry.

Firefighter Simmons is being hailed as a hero for running into the City Hall building to save this Bill. But city officials say that such actions often end badly.

“Laws are like sausages — it is best not to see them being made,” laughed Garza-Martinez.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Acting Governor Kim Guadagno “Giddy” and “Gleeful”.

The Lt. Governor was asked, “to tone down her enthusiasm” just a tad, while acting as governor, in Christie’s absence.

Acting Governor Kim Guadagno could hardly contain herself and was described as acting like a “pre-teen school girl meeting Zach Efron or Justin Beiber for the first time,” as she made several appointments to fill empty seats on state boards.

The state’s first Lt. Governor filled seats on the Governor’s Council on the Prevention of Developmental Disabilities, Middlesex County College Board of Trustees and the State Board of Mortuary Science.

“What do I do now?” asked Guadagno, as she giggled her way through signing off on the appointments —which had already been decided upon by Christie —-before he and his family left for Israel for five days.

Ms. Guadagno was somewhat unfamiliar with the authority of the Office of the Governor, having “never been given this much responsibly before,” noted one undisclosed State Street source.

A few days earlier, on Tuesday, Guadagno pressed the “power button” on what is expected to become one of the 10 most powerful academic supercomputers in the world at Rutgers University. The ceremony marked the opening of the Rutgers Discovery Informatics Institute (RDII), which will house the IBM supercomputer.

“This is just so super awesome—turning on a ‘super-duper’ computer!!,” giggled Guadagno. She even had her press staff ‘update her Facebook page’ to reflect her daily activities as Acting Guv: “I’m the Guv this week! Neat-o keen!”.

The Lt. Governor was asked, “to tone down her enthusiasm” just a tad, while acting as governor, in Christies absence.

“I’m sorry—I just don’t get to do this ‘governor-thing’ too much. This is just so cool,” shrieked Guadagno. To her credit, she did take a more somber tone when appointing the members of the State Board of Mortuary Science.

“I used my ‘serious look’ during that appointment,” noted the Acting Governor, “since they work with ‘death’ and ‘dying’ and stuff.”

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

April 4th, 2012: Christie Has Private Meeting with God To Compare Notes, Leadership Styles

In Exodus 3:14, “And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM.”

Early last year, when questioned by reporters on his insulting and confrontational style, Chris Christie said, “But the fact of the matter is, This Is Who I Am!™, and this is who the people elected.”

Similar leadership style? Same personal points of view?

Christie is traveling in Israel, and the opportunity in a private meeting with Our Lord Thy God to “compare notes, leadership style, political points of view, and other various things that came up at the Wailing Wall.

Christie’s Israel visit could raise speculation that he is positioning himself for a future run, and his trip will be watched by Democrats and Republicans alike.

Israel is a popular stop for American politicians on the rise seeking to bolster their international credibility while also appealing to Jewish constituents.

Speaking to reporters after visiting the Western Wall, the holiest site where Jews can pray, located in the disputed Old City of Jerusalem, Christie played down any political significance of his trip, calling it a chance for him and his family to see the country.

“I came here for one reason and one reason only: to have a private meeting with The Big Guy Himself, and share leadership notes,” shared Christie. The governor said the two had a “really good and fruitful discussion” about regional issues, including Iran’s disputed nuclear program and expanding trade between Heaven and New Jersey. “He’s been around for like forever, and really knows His Stuff.”

Christie is traveling with his family and a delegation of 13 business and religious leaders. While in Israel, he plans to tour a pharmaceutical facility with an interest in expanding to the U.S., participate in a business round-table and visit a school.

“Oh, also Mary Pat and I will go to a great pizza place in Jerusalem on Jaffa Street, that Netanyahu told me has pizza as good as anything at the Jersey Shore.”