“Hello, Jersey? It’s your cousin, Hampshire. How are you, darling? How is your Garden? How’s your Shore?
"Dear, I want to thank you for your nice gift on the occasion of my getting ‘Marriage-Equality’. The tomatoes were fabulous! Nice and big and ripe. You really are the Garden State of the New family….”
“So, are you and York still having your troubles? Look, you really need to get over that whole 'Statue of Liberty' thing. It’s been going on for years, and the Statue really does belong to York. The gift from France was for New York, and not you. (Oy, not this again). Yes, I know the gift was for all the States…(and again with the 'it's closer to me' whine)... Maybe you and York could just get together over a nice lunch, but really….(oy vey, I am sorry I brought it up)….she is your sister state and your neighbor, and you really need to forgive….”
“Look, the real reason I called is to see what’s happening with you in the ‘marriage-equality’ department. You know, you’re not getting any younger. I was with the Norths the other day----you know Carolina and Dakota----oh, they’re fine. Y’know, Carolina never shuts up and you can’t understand a thing she says ----with that accent of hers, and Dakota never says a word. But they were asking about you, dear…."
“Y’know, it is about time you got marriage-equality. It really is better for you. No, that ‘domestic partnership’ nonsense just does not work. Sounds like a law firm. And no one knows what it is. And the ‘civil unions’ ----hey, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free, know what I mean….marriage-equality is the only way to go….
“Now your mishuguna cousin California from the other side of the States----can’t make up her mind. First she has marriage-equality, then she doesn’t. Then she has it again. Oy, what tsoris she’s causing!...."
“Now, you should see the way I look since I got marriage-equality…my pastures are greener…my mountains look bigger and my lakes are bluer. You need to try it. All my neighbors have marriage-equality--- Connecticut. Maine. Massachusetts. Vermont. It will work for you, too, dear. Trust me, it’s so much better..."
"Even your goyish-a cousin, Iowa has marriage-equality. Who knew?”
(a special shout out to Steven and Daniel)