Petraeus and The Political Punchline

Here are some of the best points of view on the General Petraeus report from the world of comedy, as Bush hides behind him...

"Earlier today was the big Iraq report. General Petraeus said the troops can start coming home next summer. ... I believe his exact words were, 'And then it's Hillary's mess.'" --David Letterman

"Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again today before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus' answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus' use of the word 'surgerrific.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Petraeus gave his progress report on Iraq to Congress. Many of the senators commented to the general. Senator Barbara Boxer said Petraeus was overly optimistic; Mel Martinez of Florida thanked the general; Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said, 'There's something about a man in uniform.'" --Jay Leno

"General Petraeus was in Washington testifying before the Senate. After the testimony, Senator Craig said, 'You may not know this, general, but right now I'm saluting you.'" --David Letterman

"The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

The headline in the New York Times reads:

Delay Decision on Major Cuts, Petraeus Says.

As if anything else was expected. This was not a ‘surge’, it was a fancy term for ‘escalation’.

It is said that political comedy has a very short shelf life. Now that the war is entering its fifth year, the same political comedy from four years ago is not only still funny, but prophetic.

You decide. Petraeus might not be as funny as these folks, though.

From 2003-2004:

"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ... Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan O'Brien

"The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country." —Jay Leno

"Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse." —Bill Maher

"The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is operations: $10 billion; personnel: $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected: priceless." —Bill Maher

"Today, President Bush announced he's been mispronouncing the name of Iraq all along. He said it's actually pronounced Syria." —Jay Leno

"Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table from contractors. You know what this means? The war is less than a week old, and already they have an American-style democracy." —Jay Leno

"For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV." —Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

"The press keeps asking President Bush when will this war end? I think the war will end officially the day after the 2004 elections. If President Bush learned anything from his father it was don't end a war too soon." —Jay Leno

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut." —Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. military has begun handing out decks of cards with pictures of the most wanted men in Saddam Hussein's regime. There are 55 cards and they're handing them out so people can identify them. Apparently, three Tariq Aziz cards will get you a Pokemon." —Conan O'Brien

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." —Jay Leno

"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have a sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?" —Jay Leno

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years." —Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States." —David Letterman

Still funny?

Every candidate has a silver punchline

I have been speaking on the topic of humor in politics for about fifteen years to the New Jersey State League of Municipalities. And I have been the keynote speaker at about 20 other state leagues and national conferences of elected officials. When humor is used appropriately, it can make important points, diffuse tension, bring new people to see your point of view ---and most importantly ----show your human side.

Sometimes politicos do very well on TV when trying to be funny. Some do not.

The 2008 candidates for president have been sort of funny in the debates. Sometimes there are planned ‘quips’. Sometimes spontaneous. But I am sure that with most of the candidates hitting The Daily Show, The Tonight Show, Letterman, Leno, Conan O’Brien ----they each have someone on their staff to write good one-liners or to consult with them on how to deliver a punch line. I was once even called on to help Jim Florio be funny at the New Jersey Legislative Correspondents Dinner.

Here are some of the better one-liners from recent appearances by the 2008 candidates from USA Today, that voters may use to decide who they support:

Sen. Joseph Biden, made short, funny work of a question about his propensity for verbal gaffes and verbosity in general.

"Can you reassure voters in this country that you would have the discipline you would need on the world stage?" moderator Brian Williams asked him at an MSNBC debate in April.

"Yes," Biden said. As it became clear that was his entire answer, the audience roared.

What do you pray for? Was asked of Senator Hillary Clinton, at a forum on faith: "Oh Lord, why can't you help me lose weight?"

John Edwards and the $400 haircut: The haircut was a private expense that was listed on a publicly disclosed campaign-spending report. The former North Carolina senator did damage control last month on NBC's The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Asked why he and his wife, Elizabeth, eat at Wendy's on their wedding anniversary, Edwards said: "You can't spend money on food when you're spending money on haircuts"

Sen. Chris Dodd, is making pre-emptive cracks about his age (63) and late-in-life fatherhood (his daughters are 5 and 2). "I'm probably the only one who gets mailings from AARP and diaper services," he often says.

Barack Obama faces potential wariness about his name. He introduces the topic by describing his first run for office: People everywhere asked, "Where did you get this name, Barack Obama? They'd mispronounce it to me. They would call me Alabama or Yo-Mama, and I'd have to explain it was Obama; my father was from Kenya, from Africa; my mother was from Kansas."

Sometimes funny ads can help:

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has moved up to double-digits in Iowa polls since starting a series of ads called "Job Interview." Each is a skit with a crass interviewer and the bemused governor.

In one, the interviewer reviews the Democrat's résumé — congressman, U.S. energy secretary, United Nations ambassador, Nobel Peace Prize nominee — and chews food as he asks, "So, what makes you think you can be president?"

Even the Republicans try their hand at humor:

Mitt Romney: The Mormon faith, with its polygamous past, poses a similar challenge for Romney. He handled it this way at a St. Patrick's Day breakfast in 2005, when he was governor: "I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman … and a woman …and a woman."

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani pulled that off at a CNN debate last month when microphone problems interrupted his answer to a question about his differences with Catholic bishops. Told lightning was the culprit, he laughed and said: "For someone who went to parochial schools his whole life, this is a very frightening thing."

How long did God take to create the world? Was asked of Mike Huckabee, at a debate: "I don't know. I wasn't there."

And two old standards from both sides of the political aisle:

One classic was the fake telegram then-senator John F. Kennedy read from his father at the 1958 Gridiron Dinner in Washington: "Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary — I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide." With that, Kennedy defused allegations that his rich father was trying to buy him the 1960 election.

Reagan scored a similar coup regarding his age, 73, when he ran for re-election in 1984 against Walter Mondale, then 56. "I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience," Reagan said during a debate. Mondale laughed and the issue became moot.

Humor: A tool in the rights hands. A horrible mistake in others'.

New Jersey & PA: Perfect together!

New Jersey has a certain reputation in the nation. On late night TV---Letterman, Leno, Conan---all jokes seem to end with the punchline of either "George W. Bush" or "New Jersey" these days. I think the only late night show that stays away from the NJ jokes is The Daily Show----maybe that's because host Jon Stewart is from the great Garden State [born in NYC, but grew up in Lawrenceville, New Jersey]. So, maybe that's why he leaves NJ alone. We are so lucky.

We're made fun of. Ok. We're tough. We can take it. We're friendly. We get along with other states. Well, one of them, at least.

Well, we certainly get along with our neighbor to the west, Pennsylvania. Why, just this morning we agreed to a major project: dredging the Delaware! That's right, we may not agree with New York on who actually owns Liberty Island or the fact that the Giants play here and should be called the New Jersey Giants----but when it comes to Pennsylvanians----dig we must!

The NJBIZ website reported today that "New Jersey and Pennsylvania agreed today to move ahead with a Delaware River dredging project expected to increase the depth of the waterway’s main channel by five feet from its current 40-foot level." And what state could not use an "extra five feet" in its channel?

The article goes on to say that "The project, which let larger ships navigate the waterway, will run about 100 miles, from the mouth of the Delaware Bay to Philadelphia/Camden stretch of the river."

Maybe size does matter. Bigger ships may mean bigger bucks for New Jersey. But we will have to share the bigger bucks with Pennsylvania, I guess. Take that, New York!